Finally, after 16, 8 and 2.5 years of instances when I faced sexual abuse at the hands of three different predators older than me in age and evil in intention, breaking me altogether and after joining all my pieces to return to the original masterpiece that I am but better myself on my own, and grieving over it, crying my heart out, facing terrible emotional pain which felt like a heart attack every time and coming out of the phase when I wanted to die after giving myself one last chance, now, in this moment, I feel like I have finally broken free from all of those shackles and really feel the burden completely off me. This doesn’t discard any of my sufferings and experiences but I am glad that now, I will be able to experience pure bliss with trust and confidence on him and me in our healthy relationship that I can sense is coming soon. I feel free now.
Thoughts keep changing according to experiences. Sometimes, I write to make me believe in my changing thought process, more like an aid in the transition and to remind myself that humans are diverse just as these experiences and we must keep learning and changing wherever necessary for our growth and our survival at times. Transformation is tough because the acceptance that the old patterns need to be let go is not an easy one because letting go is followed by uncertainty and then, we need step out of our comfort zone which is definitely not easy at all.
I believe my new year started with happiness and productivity. I hope it continues throughout the year. I am really thankful that I did not spend the first day of my new year with any negativity.
I need a major breakthrough in my life to stop myself from questioning my existence any further. The people I am surrounded with viz. my family, repeatedly bring forth the thought of worthlessness in my psyche. They have been incapable in making me feel good and worthy since ever but now, they are attacking my thought of self-acceptance and self-love. I can’t really call them my ‘family’ anymore because there is no such institution like that in my home, at least not for me.
I might never tell you
but I think about you 24*7.
I believe in you
and that this match is made in heaven.
I met a man who was in dire need of love.
He appeared to be harmful.
Everyone told me he has ill intentions.
Since he seemed untrustworthy and disloyal,
they warned me and asked me to be careful.
You are like the sun and my life is like the Earth. It revolves around you. As soon as I decide to go away from you, your sincere efforts hold me back. I feel that this time I will pull so far away from you that all the strings that bind me to you will break. I will walk away from you and will miss you a lot in my life later. But that will only happen when I am able to break the strings attached to you which I am not able to.
Have patience, O heart!
At least try to understand the situation.
Even you are going to start
walking towards building a new relation.
“You won’t be able to do it”,
“It will become so tough for you”,
“There, you will never be able to fit.”
They’ll repeatedly tell you.