In the disguise of a joke, my brother is putting false allegations on me repeatedly that I am a double-faced person, which I am not. Of course, he is upset that I write what is right and that often includes how he has, even as a form of a joke, made me feel worse about myself. Since Sushant Singh Rajput’s death (murder directly and indirectly), he keeps irritating me, as if coaxing me to react by shouting to shut him up. He does this so that as soon as I react, he will say that he is being treated by me as a ‘leftover’ (which is of course not true). I am recording this for my own sanity, so that I have a first hand record to look back at when I start losing my mind due to gaslighting.
Yet again, I woke up to the repititive, terrible dream of my family dieing and me witnessing their death helplessly. Though, psychologically, it represents not the actual death but our perspective or emotions towards us and is a part of our subconscious mind, yet it shakes my conscious mind terribly.
We are hurt and exhausted. We both faced a great fall in our lives. We give a lot to the ones we love, so much that we forget to love ourselves. I have learnt, though, after processing my emotions throughout the time I devoted to myself, that no matter what, I will never again forget to love myself. None’s entry or exit in and out of my life would affect me so much as to make me hollow and void of love. We will rise.
My father and brother never appreciate most of the work I do. My brother associates development with economy and father always wishes for the impossible. When it is about studies, he wishes I should score excellent marks in all the subjects. Being an above average student in academics, it’s not practically possible for my distracted mind and weak memory to concentrate equally and give the best results in everything I put my head into. I don’t possess academic but verbal or linguistic and musical or rhythmic intelligence among the ten types of intelligences explained by Howard Gardener.