For once, I want to lay my head in your lap,
To feel the nourishment and gentleness that I never received,
To be reassured that if I cry, you won’t judge me or leave.
I want to tell you the reason of what goes beyond generational gap.
Take me to a place where I belong.
Do you see the yearning in these eyes?
I feel it in my chest and bones.
I feel like some thing’s missing.
I know that I ain’t at home.
A part of you still wants to believe their innocent face,
To forget their lies, treachery, malice,
All the wrong that they did,
To hold them in your embrace.
Lessons learnt; paths travelled.
Tired soul- future dishevelled.
Journeys seeming to not meet their end,
Energy and time- too much have been spent.
“Anything dead coming back to life hurts.” These lines by Amy Denver from ‘Beloved’ echoed in my mind when I was trying to sleep today and saw appearing from the dark, a skeleton with red eyes rushing towards me. Then, when I wen to wash my face and closed my eyes when I splashed the water on my face to clean the facewash off of it, I saw the skeleton standing behind me in broad daylight in a place where there was no one else but it was like the interior of a fort where there is no ceiling in that area, probably the lawn or balcony or entrance-type area. It was made all with brick and was an open space. What is haunting me? The past? What is the dead that’s coming back to life? I have been thinking about all of this but have found no answer uptil 5:58 am right now. The past that I revisited was recording songs in studio but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It can’t be the reason because haunt means something scary and my dreams have been indicating something scary that is related to the past. What is this? Why do I remember these lines?
I am searching for something on a soul level since always, since before I was introduced to learning Music, since before I had my first crush ever, since before I met my best friends. It doesn’t have a name. I can’t define definitely what, who or where is it. Whatever appears even slightly like it, I run towards that. It may be an idea, my work, a person- whatever looks like that, I want to spend more time with it. Slowly I realise, they are not what I was searching for.
Such a new energy yet so familiar, going back in time. New because I don’t know how he looks in 3D and even in visions, I am unable to identify him in his human form. Now, it’s knowledge and interacting with it is peaceful for me in both the realms. The song ‘Tose Naina Lage’ plays in my mind when I feel this energy and try to understand him in 3D since I haven’t met him yet. There is so much peace in this but not in a way that it is boring. This energy is very focused, fierce, determined and passionate, like an arrow which darts straight and is shot in the exact middle of the target which is made on the trunk of tree in the midst of a dense forest which is also full of peace (with no threat at all, even of the wild animals). It stirs within me a lot but also gives me a lot of peace, which has been in the 5D since always and more so, since the past three years but I can also feel its 3D form when I have not yet seen him with my eyes. The songs that were associated with the connection which show the reality of the connection beyond the surface are showing more intense and protective energy- an energy of reciprocal, an energy that fumes something so much within me that talking about it or thinking about about it for a few minutes ignites something within me and I start feeling unbearable heat in my body. It’s not anxiety. It is not any energy or person from my past of this life at all, which is why I am not looking at him at all in any of the dreams or visions while he is looking at me all the time. I don’t even need card readings to understand his energy because they tell less about him than my intuition. For the first time, I am seeing that somebody is matching my level but I know that my focus will be elsewhere when the time will finally come of our meeting in the 3D reality. I am even more disinterested in all of this love business in the 3D now.
Connections have their own ways. They form themselves. They cannot be forced or manipulated and it is just obvious that we share multiple connections of various natures with people at the same time. No, I am not justifying cheating on your partner. Never do that. I am stating the obvious that it is practically impossible to be involved only with a single group of people and never interact with anyone else or never form a good bond outside of that connection. You still bond with your friends when you are married and you still interact with your colleagues, boss and other friends while you cherish bonding with your besties in one connection. You still talk to your doctor when needed.
I won’t lie, it’s painful to know that you almost match with my forever
Yet you cannot be him or even come near to him in goodness ever.
I won’t lie, I feel like believing your lies
But I won’t rebel against what my conscience defies.