I am accommodating to the ideas I never thought I could. Circumstances are such and I am gaining new perspective. It is quite weird how comfortable am I with it and how easy-flowing has it made things. I honestly never thought that I would be accommodating to or be accepting towards such ideas. I mean, me? I am so rigid and fixed in some perspectives I have about some things and it is so strange that this rigidity vanished in less than five days. I can’t believe my own thoughts. I will not share it with anyone- this changed perspective- except you (my readers), of course.
I am quite in a dilemma. Like, I feel pretty nice but at the same time bad for pushing away someone so attracted towards me, that too, for years. I didn’t do it on purpose. I did what I felt was best for everyone involved in the situation at that time- maintain my distance from him. The pull, the strong attraction- despite all the fights over so many years- despite the distance that exists- keeps getting stronger and more irresistible than before and moments like the past 2-3 days, which later I get to know are some astrological shifts, just make the distance more painful and increase the yearning. Many-a-times, when I thought of meeting him, I could see in my vision that I almost reach to where he is standing, waiting for me and mid-way of my path to him, the fear surfaces and I turn around and leave even when I am yearning so much to be with him at that moment. It’s quite the same but I just want him to be not involved with anyone else so that I can talk to him rightly and express all of this without any negative emotions in the back of my mind.
I can’t just go with the flow because of my own trust issues and unfavourable circumstances. I also messed things up a bit. I mean, I did all the right things recently but I am gaining understanding of his ideas and thoughts, now that I am slowly understanding how a healthy relationship looks like (which I haven’t seen around me earlier ever before). I was only given restrictions to follow and I had to hold my heart back. I am picking up on points that I missed before. I am wrapping my head around sex in healthy relationship and how easy-going connections work nowadays, how not everything has to be black and white because it actually ignores the spectrum, how to let go of binding categories even when I am seeking for pure commitment. I am still scared though so I won’t try these out. He will have to.
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