I am drained. Things just don’t turn out be good ever and nobody understands my pain- they just don’t. They are not in my place. I don’t want to blame anyone. I just wish…..someone understood….for once…..that it’s not so easy to just feel good, it’s not justified to keep working when I have no energy but I have to because of the circumstances. I just….I don’t know. It takes so much energy to talk to people I love. They come really close to understanding the issue but just don’t reach there completely ever. It’s like….crying is never enough and it is so tiring that as soon as I let myself feel my low emotions, the negative energies and elements start attacking me. I can’t truly relax……ever.
It’s so tragic that my family doesn’t understand my pain, my struggle, my fatigue except for a few moments when a random astrologer they met just yesterday tells them that all of my energy is exhausted. Nobody…for once….understands….or tries to. Those who do are not readily accessible. One day, I will be gone and they will act like they don’t know why, pretending to know me and being emotional. Communicating with people is a task. Trying to save my energy is termed ‘laziness’. I just want to sleep…..sleep away my fatigue, my problems.
Before you term this escapism, keep yourself in my place, with no energy, fighting since years with no rest, struggling since over a decade and dealing with never-ending cycle of pain and trouble, no one being able to understand you, your work yet not leaving you alone and not letting you enjoy your individuality without giving their opinions on how they think you have been handling life, fighting all the bullies outside and inner critic and sabotaging self, seeing hope and leaving a situation more devoid than before of all the things that you deserve to have in your life without asking or putting so much efforts in the first place. How do you feel? What makes you feel good? Part of the journey with self is being honest with oneself and this is my honesty. When optimism will be obvious, I will try to feel it. Right now, I feel dejected and depleted.
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