The words that you said keep echoing in my mind.

I keep understanding some of their relevance over time

Which you said when my brain was not in the capacity to comprehend them

Or that I was not ready to accept them as and when they happened.

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It doesn’t get easier. The point that you try to move towards the easier way is just the beginning. Challenges of all sorts keep coming up and you have to keep learning to deal with them. Ok, tell me, if you are playing a game, is the level one more easy to play or the level thirty five out of fifty? Why do people have things to crib for if it keeps getting easier? So when nothing is going to be easy, why don’t you try to be easy on yourself. I have not been able to implement it so far but you can try. Maybe, it will work for you. One can rest though.

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Is it so that I miss, love and value someone more once they are not around me anymore?

Does retrospection than mindfulness add value to all those?

Or have I become accustomed to pain or want to prevent myself from facing that my fears came true?

Or have the course of events been such that what and who I loved were snatched away from me so now, I don’t go close?

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Having a say on whether I support someone’s identity or not looks like a waste question to me because I don’t feel that I am entitled to have a say on another individual’s identity, like they don’t have on mine. As long as someone is not harming anyone (including themselves) in any way, I am not concerned about whatever they deal or associate with and however they do it. But if they need me to cheer for them, I will willingly and gladly do it for them and will stay when they are in need. Since my childhood, I never considered any kind of identity, especially the genders on the spectrum, unusual or something not “normal”. What is normal anyways?

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All Of Me

I am writing this at 11:11 am. My cousin sister’s wedding is fixed and so, to meet the family of the groom, my mausaji and mausi has come to my home. On the first day, there was a rift between my cousin brother and mausi and today, my mausaji said, coming to my room willingly when I was sitting in my bedroom with my cousin and said that I must “look like a girl” which is being too thin according to the societal standards. It didn’t mess me up because first, I don’t care. Secondly, I told him that he does not need to worry because my doctors are here to tell me what must I do. I literally have to energy either to work or work out in any way. Thirdly and most importantly, my cousin sister stood up for me automatically and stopped him from judging me any further.

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