Due Rewards

My job is to work and also make sure that I get the reward that I deserve for doing that work but if that reward is being delayed by one reason or the other and my aim to earn the payment of my hardwork appears far-fetching, I will not keep stressing over it but continue to work or change my field to divert my attention with the new energy. In such a situation, how will fretting help? I have been stuck in the loop of overthinking and my anxiety only worsens it further, leading to panic attacks and derealisation so I am trying to cut off my own thoughts and any person who puts such intrusive thoughts into my mind which snatches away its peace.

Work has helped me in catharsis and organising my thoughts, like at this moment. I don’t know what else to do if not work. Even when I enjoy, the nature of my work is such that somehow, something related to my work comes out of my enjoyment. I can’t let an idea rest in my mind. It makes me restless. I have been gaining more ways of catharsis by the day and I am liking it as it is helping me stay at least as much sane so that I can maintain my insanity. I say so because no one understands me and I find them irritating because they interfere in my work and give unsolicited advices as if they have any right to. Only I have all the rights over my works and ideas. No relation and person holds this or similar right(s).

It is so tiring, to keep working without rewards but I can’t give up without receiving my due rewards as well so do I have any other alternative than to keep working? I am trying to slow down a bit though because I am really exhausted and need rest of a year or two so that my mind and body can feel completely replenished. If I had been in a corporative sector, I would have received several hikes, bonuses, raises and promotions with benefits but that doesn’t work for me because I can’t work under anyone as I don’t to add more to my work. It would have been tiring then too and there must have been drawbacks but the payments would have given a sense of satisfaction. I don’t like comparing my work but the lack of the payment for my efforts makes me do so.

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