I have hit the rock bottom again. Maybe, it is the season or my mind’s response to it. It may also be the imbalance in my body. I keep sleeping. Even there, peace is not something I experience most of the times. It is mostly full of signs or nightmares nowadays. I am not even indulging much of the spiritual aspect of my life until necessary that I am seeing these nightmares and signs.
I keep myself hydrated all the time yet I feel like my throat is dry at times on some days. I am wearing a jacket and have lit a diya in my room. Also, my room has no open windows from where the cold breeze can enter. I am always covered in the blanket on my bed. Yet, I am feeling cold. I know that I live near Delhi which is one of the regions which get freezing cold in winters but I don’t think that with the setup in my room, I should be feeling so cold. Maybe, I am just overthinking. I don’t know.
Again, I am afraid of the night. I need to wake up until the morning or listen to something on my phone to avoid thinking about scaring silence. I don’t even switch on the fairy lights in my room nowadays because they are red in colour and it scares me now, especially during the night. All of this has nothing to do with the spiritual aspect of my life because there, I am not at all afraid and fight and win all my battles and protect my spiritual tribe all on my own, single-handedly. This is purely the human aspect of my life that I am living nowadays.
I am not eating proper food but feeding on salt as much as I can. Even when I eat healthy food, the intake is imbalanced. I am still trying to do the best I can and trying to develop some good habits if I can. I can’t go to walk because I get really exhausted extremely fast nowadays. I feel a bit better but get even more exhausted than I usually am. My family is troubling me again, stressing me over my health, especially my brother this time. I don’t want this unwanted concern an I have expressed this a lot of times in a lot of different ways. I am troubled already. I have told them that i don’t have energy but they are troubling by continuously asking questions about why am I fatigued. They have a problem if I sleep more or don’t eat or eat more. Everything I do leads to unnecessary advice or lecture from any or both of my parents.
My eyes fill up with tears at any random point of day and I feel like I may break down completely at any point of time. Art is my only outlet because my family is apathetic and troubling as always. I am not even answering my college friends and avoiding talking to anyone on call (which I usually do but now, it is more prominent) because it is making me nervous and overthink. When I was booking my appointment with my therapist this time, I felt like maybe I am troubling him, which I consciously know is not true. I know that he will help me come up from my rock bottom.