It is 5:25 am when I have started writing this. I know that I was running from you but now I don’t want to run past you but run to you and I am thankful that I keep running into you because our reality keeps us united.
In this moment, I feel alive. I feel you. I feel like I am breathing again and this is not anxiety but finally, that I am living beyond existing. I am living you. I am living life. You appear surreal yet only in those moments, do I feel like I am breathing, do I feel that I am alive.
You amaze me. I am dumbfound. I don’t love you the way people just throw this term around. I don’t know how to explain how do I love you. It compares to nothing. My live for you is closer to how one feels when they come alive. I know that these are bad choices of words but I don’t know how else to explain how much I love you. You ignite fire of life within me but give me immense calm and peace. I don’t know if it is your face or personality or your words but I just…..I don’t know what to say. My eyes are getting filled up with water. I can feel that. I won’t cry though, don’t worry. I won’t cry because I am happy for sure and also, because I know that my grief makes you sad and I don’t want to see you sad.
I don’t care if your answer to my confession turns into a yes or no finally. I just know that there is something in you which makes me feel alive and this is not anxiety for sure. In these moments like right now, at 5:35 am today, I suddenly feel like this is the moment when I have started living or as if I have been resurrected. I am not invalidating my life experiences. They are just as real and authentic but the moments with you, it feels like………like you breathe life into the moments spent with you. Everything starts making sense and becomes worthy if it is connected to you and I don’t even know why is it so. I am not feeling this deliberately. In years, there have been a few moments when I have felt alive—when I perform in front of my live audience. But the last time this happened was in 2015. I feel alive when I sing and release my songs but I don’t know how to say it, in a way, I feel even more alive, everything makes even more sense and becomes more worthwhile because everything leads me to you—to life, to peace. “I love you” are words too small to describe what I am feeling for you. I know that I have said this before and I am explaining only this in this whole writeup that you are life but I think that these words are not enough to encompass the whole of my emotions. I hope you understand and exactly and in detail about what I am feeling for you because even on call, to make you understand this is impossible. Be me for a while, I know you are already but be more of me for a while and you may understand what I am trying to say because I become tongue-tied whenever you are around in any way. It is as if, and I am feeling very peaceful and conclusive while saying this, the only truth in this world—of life or eternity or at least which connects to me, the answer that I had been trying to find to an unknown mystery, all of it—is you. I now feel at peace finally after writing these final words in this writeup. As if I live all of my life while it appears only a dream to me and only the moments with you are the ones where I am awake. It is 5:51 am right now and now, I feel peaceful about writing exactly what I am feeling.