Locked

Why is it always that when my mind, body and spirit are completely exhausted, a new opportunity knocks at my door, ready to test me and when I have the zeal and energy, I can spot none of it? 

 

I want change in my life but I also need to relax or I will break down completely. I have to save my energy but the opportunities demand it. When I had a lot of energy and even though the opportunity did get served to me, I couldn’t grab it because of my family. I deserved it but I had to leave it. Now, I do not have that energy but a list of opportunities, tasks and responsibilities.

This is a time of lot of confusion and stress but my family doesn’t hold back from adding their unnecessary drama to it. I don’t understand why do they have to make every simple task difficult (some of them are not even tasks to begin with).

Whatever energy that I have left in me, I have to save it and for that, I am staying locked up in my room most of the time (locked from inside). It is working to an extent until I have to interact with them. Due to this, anything they do irritates me and what irritates me even more is that whenever they do something wrong, they have no shame or guilt in them, not even hesitation but always have a justification somehow (except my brother most of the times).

I am trying new things but even if my father passes on the toxic mentality of exhausting oneself to achieve everything, I have learnt about my limitations and boundaries and I won’t violate them ever again. I don’t want to feel guilty for feeling genuine basic emotions because my family shames me or doesn’t show any compassion towards it or else, makes a very big deal of it than necessary. Hence, I am almost not interacting to them except for a few moments when I am in a good mood. I cannot afford to handle series of breakdowns with my exams approaching and hence, I am keeping my distance, respecting my boundaries and maintaining as much mental peace as possible.

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