In the disguise of a joke, my brother is putting false allegations on me repeatedly that I am a double-faced person, which I am not. Of course, he is upset that I write what is right and that often includes how he has, even as a form of a joke, made me feel worse about myself. Since Sushant Singh Rajput’s death (murder directly and indirectly), he keeps irritating me, as if coaxing me to react by shouting to shut him up. He does this so that as soon as I react, he will say that he is being treated by me as a ‘leftover’ (which is of course not true). I am recording this for my own sanity, so that I have a first hand record to look back at when I start losing my mind due to gaslighting.
I am in an extremely fragile state of mind. I do not have the discretion at this moment to decide whether he is doing this on purpose to make me feel worse about myself so that he can feel better about himself or in his immaturity but now, I am writing this because I cannot ignore or brush this false statement off. I have cut his statements by negating them and shouted to revolt against them but they are taking over me. Right at this moment, I could feel it getting internalised and giving more power to my sabotaging self and so, I had to do something to overpower her. Maybe, he wants a sense of control through ‘joking’ or otherwise. But why does he keep doing it repeatedly? I feel like it is gaslighting in the disguise of a joke.
As I am writing this, in the form of humour he is repeatedly asking me to write negative about myself and to accept that I am been making him feel bad or degraded. It may be a joke for him but not me. He is not stopping despite repeatedly telling him to. Ironically, he is now watching an old video of late Sushant Singh Rajput. He has also made statements before (obviously in the disguise of a joke) earlier that I have written about as well. I need to leave this place before I lose my sanity. It is strange how people who we think are positive do not turn out to be so positive for us eventually.