I am really angry on myself. Today, I had my therapy appointment after long. I really needed it, so much that I slept through it. As always, I tried my best not to but I recognised what may have been the cause of this happening again.
I was happy and was able to process my emotions until yesterday. I was aggrieved throughout yesterday and on the top of that, I had to think and work while I wasn’t even able to do any of it because my grief has overtook me and numbed my ability to think rationally. Certainly, I did not do it on purpose. Why would I? Definitely, there is something else.
I have always noticed this that whenever I am so grieved that nothing can soothe me, first I cry, then that energy spreads throughout my body after which I am able to read because there are no thoughts disturbing my mind’s thought process actively but I start feeling sleepy even a good night’s sleep. This is how my body chooses to process grief and I don’t think that I can change or modify nor do I know how to prevent it from stopping me from receiving help when I need it the most. So, now, my anger has converted to understanding and openness to learn.
My body chooses to heal me emotionally (at least tries to) while I am asleep. I have realised this today and with that, also that there is no need to feel guilty when one misses one’s important therapy appointment due to such circumstances because it is body’s natural response and anything natural if tampered with causes more harm. Having said that, if you have been there and have been able to cope with it effectively, I would love to hear how you did it, if you are comfortable sharing that. There may be someone who may have gone through this some time and felt ashamed of themselves. I am writing this to stop you from sabotaging yourself by rationalising the process.