All of a sudden, nowadays, I have become extremely critical of me and my work. I am not loving my low energy, my struggle, that I am not receiving immediate results. Then, I am getting frustrated on my impatience and imperfection. The idea of perfection has taken over me so much that I can feel myself losing parts of me.
I am not able to give affirming reassurance to me. I am trying my best to withdraw from all sorts of detailed social interaction and this is not because of Corona virus that is spreading worldwide. I am able to feel empowered for a few minutes but that is it.
I am searching for something—to hear, to see—maybe, an answer to a question not yet known to me in its concrete form. I am experiencing extremely low moods. I am trying to ‘fake it to make it’ but that is not even helping a bit except for keeping a bit of pretence while conversing with my friend on phone.
I am crying involuntarily. This time, though, I know that the reason is my inability to avoid recalling painful memories. I am tired, sad and in pain. I am fearful of losing my confident self in this process. I can feel myself growing and transforming but I do not have the courage and strength to endure the process in the moment. Then, there are moments where I know that I am the strength. It doesn’t uplift my spirit but I am still trying to give my best to everything. I, like my state, am critical.