As contradicting as it may sound but it is true that I am functioning from self-love and anxiety. I am operating from a ‘what if I will stay stuck in this toxic environment that I am in right now?’ thinking. I am working for getting out of it.
I love myself. Hence, I want a healthy environment around me and my healthy environment are my positive and uplifting thoughts and actions that I direct towards myself. For that, I want to leave the toxic environment that surrounds me because I feel anxiety that ‘what if I am back to the negative mindset and the habit of self-sabotaging that I left with so much struggle’ because I am surrounded by people who feed on my insecurities and keep reminding me about what I lack constantly. They not only include family or social media or those who think bad about themselves but my joint family.
Then, there are some days when I question everything that I am or I am doing. I feel purposeless and worthless and I feel that my life is no good. I believed it since many years, almost my whole childhood and most of my adolescence until I started contradicting it with thoughts of self-love. These are my episodes of depression. I just wake up and can’t find meaning in anything. I try to counter those thoughts but I receive no fruitful results.
So, I keep struggling among depression, anxiety and self-love. Most of the times, I even function from them. My actions are a result of such thoughts. Many-a-times, I keep functioning from them without even realizing until later. Some days, I cry for no reason and on other days, I am unaffected by other people’s opinions generated from a lack mentality and feeling of insecurity. Most days, I shield myself but some days and in some situations, I feel completely vulnerable.