It is nice to see and read about people being excited about being alive. Despite how much I pretend and lie to myself, I am certainly not happy about being alive.
It is like I have two minds. One mind prepares me to be responsive to other people around me and helps me involuntary actions like right now, I am walking but I don’t feel so nor am I able to figure out how. I know the physiology but I don’t know how am I walking because I am not it on purpose.
The involuntary mind is what helps me answer randomly and accurately to people while I an not mindful listening, observing or grasping information.
The other mind, which I stay conscious of, is where I stay. I am aware of its functioning. It is all about my thoughts. It doesn’t stop thinking except when all of me is numb. Then I think that I am numb and wonder why and what can I do about it or if I can even do something about it.
Maybe, I have always been like this or maybe, I have grown up facing such rough and painful circumstances that my mind has done this to protect itself. Or did my brain do it? I don’t really know for sure. All I know is that it is very difficult to spot the reality when both of these merge, somewhat like right now.