I am emotionally numb nowadays. I am not feeling anything towards anything or anyone. Whatever I am writing related to feelings is the experience I have lived already or what I desire for. I always had the problem of expressing what I feel for people, especially love and warmth and now, I am having a problem in feeling too.
Whenever I feel, I feel intense emotional pain. So, I resort to being numb because I do not want to feel pain. Some days break this numbness but it returns the next day. I am numb, not at peace.
I do not know what to feel about what anymore. Maybe, I should pity on the condition my situations have led me to be in. Yes, I feel pity at times too.
I want to recall how happiness feels like when it stays. I went to watch a movie with my college friends and felt double happiness because it was the last day of this semester. Also, I don’t have to go to college for anything except taking my admit card and on the days of my University exams in this year.
I feel happiness when I am surrounded by nature, maybe. Nowadays, I think, that has reduced too. I just observe some things in nature and try to make sense of it. Maybe, I feel when I am in nature but the process of feeling starts late and processes rather slowly.
So, when my therapist asks “How are you?” or “How are you feeling?” and I shrug or have a blank expression on my face, I genuinely don’t know what am I feeling emotionally at that moment or in that week. I can tell what am I feeling physically like “I am hungry” or that “I am feeling cold” but not what is processing within my consciousness.