Having a mental illness is not always being on the edge. Some days are better and some days make everything worse. Some days, I count each minute left for my next appointment with my therapist and wish to tell him everything so that he can help me right at that moment. Having anxiety and depression is like living in the South and the North at the same time.
Suddenly, a day comes when I wake up and don’t feel like I have any energy left in my body to do anything except sleeping while I wouldn’t have worked my body out but my mind is worn out. I feel everything is too slow, so slow that it tires me more. It is not calming. It is monotonous and irritating.
Other days, my mind keeps thinking about past, present and future, all at the same time and processing it makes it so difficult that my gead aches so much that I wish it would be better if it explodes. My mind, fingers and feet ache or become numb. I question the reality. My heart pounds so loud that I can hear my heart beat. I am unable to feel the ground when I stand to walk because I think that it will make me feel better. I feel dizzy and have to hold on to my bed to prevent myself from falling. All of this happens at the same time for long few minutes. I am always on edge in such a situation.
Sometimes, both of these occur at different times on the same day. Their durations vary too. Anxiety tells me that I am missing out on everything and sometimes, I don’t even know the reason. Anxiety has many forms like panic attacks, agression, derealisation and headaches. Depression makes things seem to be moving so slow that it makes me feel uneasy. Both of them tire me down which prevents me from working or thinking effectively, even the very basic everyday tasks. If I do them, I take more time than expected. Reading to understand is currently my major reason for headaches.
But there are days when I feel like they have left because I feel not even a slightest symptom of any of them. Those days feel like bliss. Meeting myself feels like meeting a friend after a long time. There are no flashbacks or triggers to drag me into overthinking or anything draining my energy. There is no body ache. I feel thankful for such days because they prevent me from being comfortable with my lifestyle with anxiety and depression. I return to becoming a happy and sorted out soul spreading happiness all around her. Those are the days when I become really productive. I don’t blame feeling anxiety or depression. Feeling makes me human. It is just that I feel more than others, which too, is nothing abnormal.