Self-love is a struggle. Some days, I love and accept myself. In fact, I celebrate myself. Other days, I feel like scratching my skin off because I hate the skin that provoked some men at some point of time. Some days, I accept that this is not my fault that men like my physical appearance but some days, I wish to escape from my body once and forever. Some days, the attempts of people like my father and many classmates of mine to belittle me, my capabilities, my efforts and achievements overtake me and I start feeling worthless. Then, I need someone to remind me to love myself, who I don’t find when I need them.
Then, I have to remind myself of my worthiness, of my self-sufficiency, of my beauty that has very less to do with how others percieve my body. I have to remind myself how I have managed to help more people than I can recount and that I have been a cause of happiness for some people, even if momentarily. I have to remind myself that I am utterly creative and my perfectionism at times brings that best out of me. I remind how even I am amazed when I realise that I have more than the best of potential I had discovered before.
I have to recall how strong I am that I survived despite various mental, physical and especially emotional wounds throughout my childhood and most of my adolescence. I recall how I managed to score one of my best performances in studies in one if the best schools of India and under its extremely high work pressure. I remind myself of the days when my guru praises and supports me. I recall how I am still struggling and I feel proud that I am seeking help before giving up completely. I am proud that I am still strong enough to not give up after a minute discomfort, even when I feel so.
Self-love is a struggle and is a tiring journey but this journey also soothes in the end. It doesn’t burn me out but allows me to rest and redefines my worthiness where it is limited just to my existence. It is my strength to get back up on my feet myself after I fall and if I can’t, it promotes me to seek help from who can rightly help me. It is not a cake-walk for sure but it is a beautiful journey of complete independence and self-reliance who also brings with them confidence and wisdom.