College, now, has become just a huge burden for me to carry. It is an unnecessary responsibility that I have been carrying on my shoulders because I have to. Had I been given an option, I would have chosen to stay out of my home but to study from an open college.
I love education but not the ones that I have to do because they are a necessity. I love to study about Music and I never feel tired by reading about it, no matter how much and for how long I have to study it. But this unnecessary burden of college that I am dealing with is sucking all of my energy.
I don’t always have an alternative to avoid college but I try to as much as I can. I can’t even leave it. Had it not been such a great issue to not go to college for my parents, I wouldn’t have opted for it in the first place.
I have tried all the methods to like my college and its schedule in the past two years but all has failed. Every thing associated with college adds stress, headaches, uncertainty, anxiety attacks and burden on me which are all weighing more as the days are passing by.
College feels like a heavy rock on my spirit. Ever since I have been associated with this college, my energy is being sucked in amounts every day. It feels like a vampire, a parasite. The benefits of going to college are all sourced out of college but college, alone, only is a burden.
Every day since I have joined this college, I think about leaving it. I am waiting for the moment I will leave it. This thought gives me momentary happiness. I have observed that the lesser the days I go to college, the lesser the probability of getting a panic attack is for me.
I feel suffocated at my home but I don’t feel so any less in college. I am certain that since in the next month, I will have to attend college every day and every lecture, the intensity and frequency of my panic attacks will increase because that is how it works mostly as far as I have noticed. So, I am clueless about how will I manage my mental health, which is my priority with college, which is secondary but I will have to do so because I have no choice. I will have to carry this heavy rock on my mind until I, once and for all, do away with it once I graduate, which seems to be a time not coming so soon.