I am leaving my mistakes behind. They cannot be undone now. I may or may not regret making them when I think about them in retrospection.
Maybe, they seem like blunders to you but my actions at that time liberated me. Such conversations which I can consider blunders now actually made me realise how dependent did I become on a male for my validity after my breakup.
I told things about me to people I shouldn’t have as those facts were extremely personal and private. I trusted people I shouldn’t have at that time but both of these experiences either gave me a sense of liberation from shame and unnecessary burden and made me open enough to think and talk about sexuality in every sense or made me realise that how codependent had I become on males in that period of my life. I realised that I needed to release this codependency as it was unhealthy and could ruin my life if I would have encountered a negative opportunist. I acknowledged that I couldn’t be dependent on any male as I will be stuck on unhealthy conversations with people who were just serving their interests at that time. This, in turn, led to my self-realization that I could, truly, only depend on myself for the rest of my life and this is the only relationship that is constant, healthy and the one I need to focus and work upon.
I realised how strong I am as a woman. I watched myself elevate higher as I became my own lover. My old self would have sabotaged me for commiting such mistakes, which she would have preferred to call blunders but who I am now doesn’t allow me to indulge in such thoughts and rightly so. My old self would have assigned me with attributes and nanes that would have made me hate myself.
I certainly did commit mistakes but now, I am not who I was a year earlier. I am wiser and nobody can intrude in my self-love journey, especially not my older underconfident self. I have created stronger boundaries on how much to tell about and to whom. No one can mess with my mind now (except me, of course). I am in a state of autonomy now.
As I am accepting myself more, I am meeting people who validate and support my act of being my authentic self by being themselves and accepting all of themselves. They wear all their mistakes as not merely lessons but token of prizes and even if not, they are comfortable with letting them be. They don’t let their mistakes affect their personality, their choices and their thoughts about themselves. Fortunately, some texts that I am reading since the past year validate sexuality as normal and beautiful too and support my thoughts largely.
My mistakes, if considered really, are the bad habits I have of returning back to the negative moments of my past, of letting my old sabotaging self return and most importantly, agreeing to what she says, even if for a second. I am shedding off the load of regrets from my shoulders. I am elevating to a level of healthy lifestyle that it would be be difficult fot people met me then to believe that I am the same person. This is growth and I am proud of myself and my self-love journey.