Give me a break. I am trying to process my thoughts. What am I thinking? I have been questioning my beliefs a lot lately. Am I or am I not? Or are the things around me really there or are they mere results of my imagination?
Do I really know my family members and not just acquainted with them? Are they who they seem to be now or are they who they seem to be before or are they who they seem to be when they have to pass judgements and ruin their children’s relationships?
I have noticed that in my family, every parent says that they know everything about their child(ren) but I know secrets of my cousins that they don’t tell their parents. I have seen my cousins sacrifice their aspirations and desires for their family and I have seen the parents complain about how much they had to sacrifice for their ungrateful immature kids. Is this what a family is?
Am I making my family look bad or have they really been committing blunders without apologies? Am I overthinking and making things up as my brother says or is it real what my brain provides evidence to?
Do my parents really support me? If so, then why don’t they answer back to those family members and friends of them who keep questioning my belief of atheism and passion for Music and art? Rather, they take their side and speak in their language. Why? Are they who they seem to be in my nuclear family environment or are they who they seem to be in front of the society? What is their real side?
They don’t force me for anything outright but I still feel a burden of their unnecessary questions. I can’t provide enough evidence for my statements because they have been twisted by my family members in such a way that they are the victims and I am the one putting unnecessary blame. Are things really difficult or are they making me percieve them like that? Is world not safe like they say or is it that they have made the world seem unsafe to me because most of what I have experienced uptil now seems contrary to their belief?
Do they really want to know about me to be my friends as they portray or are they trying to make sure that I will never be able to be on my own even if they turn out to be really toxic later in life? Are they trying to make me codependent in the veil of taking care of me? Do they really do things out of love or are keeping a count of things to check upon and receive back from me later when I grow up? If it is not so, why does my father keep reminding me repeatedly on various random occasions what all has he done for me as a parent, all the troubles and pains he had to tolerate due to me and the amount of money he had to spend?
They seem to be extremely loving and caring like an ideal family but are they really? If they are, why don’t they take action on my complaints as soon as possible? Why do they and teachers keep dodging my problem from one to another, telling me who to address first?
My mother and brother hug me but I don’t feel the warmth. Is there a problem with me then? Am I the unempathetic, cold, ignorant family member? Am I made to be like this? Am I really independent by thoughts and actions? Did they grant me this independence? I had to be a rebel for years to snatch my freedom from them, this I know for sure. But now, have they really become non-toxic unlike before or is it the calm before the storm?