My mind plays games with me. Its favorite game is pretention. It has been fostering anxiety since years. Just when I thought I was about to receive help, it made me believe that there was never really a problem to begin with and I, like a fool, believed it and discarded all the thoughts of seeking help. Right after, I was flushed with anxiety. This cycle persists.
The momentary happiness that such fluctuations of anxiety give to me can be called nine days’ wonder. You can imagine anxiety to be my body double, to understand it easily. Another me tells me that I am stressed, gives me headaches, makes me throw up because of it, makes me zone out, makes my body think that it is not present in reality and spreads numbness all over and then, when I try to tend to her and seek help for her, she behaves as if she is completely alright. Is it that she wants help but maybe….not?
No, she definitely needs help. The reality that I know with certainty is, no matter how much and how hard she may try to behave that she is OK, I will again find myself standing on the brim where if I step back, life is awaiting me and if I step forward, death has spread her arms and I am smiling, looking forward, desperate to embrace it. Life scares me, death doesn’t. For the sake of Art and Music, I find a reason to give life a chance and that is why, I need help for her to find reasons to love this life and her surroundings and the courage to deal with endless toxicity that this world holds. I am tired of this mind game of pretention. I have held the last string and the moment it will start to cut my hands, I will leave it but till then, I am trying to hold on. I don’t want my anxious mind to win. She must lose.