I am sharing this with you all and probably nobody else because this is one of my safe spaces where I can say anything without the fear or concern about getting judged negatively. The previous year, 2018, is repeating itself in 2019. This is specific to me. The incidents that were associated with traumatic experiences in the past year are slowly getting replaced by good ones and I hope it will be so in the future too. I don’t know whether I should share this, though, but I want to so I am.
I am thankful that I met my guru and when he persistently and adamantly started talking about leaving me, I realized that, strange enough to discover and believe, all those who I got close to leave me because I have not healed. I don’t know how that works scientifically but I am living it so I believe it. Maybe, it has something to do with the energy I carry consciously and unconsciously.
I am thankful because these incidents pushed me to seek help and not back out until I don’t get it. I am thankful because finally, after so much pain and struggle—internal and external— I am finally able to receive it.
I am thankful that I have a friend who understands why I have to hide things from my family. She has supported me when I was attracted to a toxic person but nobody can detect a narcissist until you have dealt with one or it is too late.
I am not thankful, though, for my family, the people they associate with and my college because it is a constant source of toxic people and stress. Not being associated with them can save a lot of my energy that I can invest in honing my skills. I am thankful that I recognize my skills that can be honed. I am thankful that I got help right in time because I am on standing on the border of life and death and I am more inclined towards the latter side. It will be interesting to know if it can be reversed and how because I want to live at least till I complete my career goals but the toxicity around me is sucking my energy. Keeping my fingers crossed, hoping for the best (I have felt hope after a long time), right now, at this moment, I am thankful.