I know that I love myself and that I am complete but at a little corner in my mind, someone still shouts it out to me that I am not worthy enough. She also has proofs of my past mistakes and tiring and toxic explanations to make me believe her. Whenever someone from the outside shows slight disrespect to my opinion or actions, she sides with them and shouts at me: “You, who thinks herself to be the ruler of her heart, mind and soul, you are nothing. You are worthy of nothing good. You have no worth to begin with.”
But, I fight back, telling her that she can’t tell me how I think or feel about myself. I count all that I can do but when I do that, I feel like she is smirking at me because she knew she won or else why would I quote reasons for my self-worth.
I don’t remember when did she barge into my comfortable space. She, I know, is sent by all those female teachers who refused to help me or said that “my doubt was not a doubt enough to be enquires about”. Even if I forget, they have appointed her to remind me of it. Nevertheless, I love myself and wear my flaws as accessories which make me unique and myself. I think, that is what makes them jealous of me. People are always jealous when they don’t have something that the other person has that they, too, desire for. She cannot stay happy so she doesn’t let me stay happy.
I know it is her. She comes back in various forms, trying to trick me. Sometimes, she looks like an ignorant teacher of my past, at other times, the bullies of my childhood. She takes the form of my abusers too. It is so tiresome to fight against her everyday since years. I think that she leaves in between but she is there, sitting there, waiting for the perfect moment to attack and knock me down and I have to say, she is a winner. She, like her name, owns a terrifying name, too— anxiety.