I wonder what would I be like without my anxiety, if I had no traumas to deal with, if I had not been bullied in school in almost every possible way, if I would have always practiced self-love, if my journey would have been normal and easy unlike bipolar all the time. I wonder.


I wonder how would I have flourished flawlessly had I not been born in a family who discard any such thing which sounds like mental health and anxiety. I wonder how I could have talked to my friends about all my problems and they would have suggested good solutions to them instead of me boiling my head over it and they, with my family, seeing the bullies laugh at me. How would it have been? I wonder. 

And oh! The bullies. I wonder how I would have bloomed like a happy flower and not (more so) needed any musical aids to help me survive despite all the bullying. I wonder how happy I would have been to see my parents defend me against the bullies and how I would have felt protected and self-confident when they would have immediately punished the men who tried to molest me (or maybe, the first one actually did when I was five. I don’t remember. My memory deceives me, just like my parents) when I complained. But instead, they didn’t even scold or slap them. All the non- violence apply on others and violence applies on me. I wonder how beautiful life would have been had I father not controlled it all the time, suffocating my breath and mind. I just wonder.

I wonder how beautiful it would have been if I had died before my teenage started. I wonder how relieving it would have been if Music would not have kept me alive to tolerate living with my greatest enemies— my toxic parents. How stupid was I to think that all of this will get better and my parents (more like strangers) will eventually stop bothering me with their toxicity. I wonder how beautiful death would have been in comparison to this meaningless, painful, dreadful life. I wish it would have been true but right now, I just wonder.

I Wonder

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