I have a love-hate relationship with Hindustani Classical Vocal Music. Listening to ragas gives me peace of mind but not being able to sing them correctly at many times gives me a sense of incapacity. If I don’t feel connected with it, I feel that my life is direction-less but if I feel connected with the responsibilities it carries, I feel overwhelmed unnecessarily.
I love all of its known and unknown, learnt and not learnt components. I hate that I am unable to perform the ragas even after pursuing it for more than eight years. I love reading and hearing about it for hours. I love the voice of other people when they sing—trained or untrained—but I hate my own singing except on some occasions when my voice surprises me (in a good way).
All I ever know of is to sing. It is my solace but on the level I am at, teachers, as always, expect very highly of me. It is not wrong for my teachers to expect highly of me once they have evaluated my potential, though. I do feel thankful for it but unfortunately, unlike before, I have a lot of issues to deal with before I can even attempt a new challenge. I have to jump over self-doubt, anxiety and hopelessness and the physical, mental and emotional fatigue they cause. In such a case, any expectation of me is an added burden on my mind which forces me to stay away from learning Music.
This love-hate relationship with Hindustani Classical Vocal Music has existed ever since I had started learning it. When I am able to perform well, I love it but when, despite many efforts, I am not able to attain the perfection of singing I desire, it creates self- doubt in my mind and I start to hate it.