My family manages to stay away from me in all aspects except physically. Every time. They always have toxicity veiled as care to spread in my life. Then they wonder what has made me so rude and aloof and why I don’t share my thoughts and feelings with them.
This is not just the behavior practiced by my nuclear family but my joint family from both— maternal and paternal—sides. I so desperately wait to be separated from them so that I can actually breathe. You never know. If they can wish to regulate my food, sleeping habits, some day they would like to regulate my breathing pattern too. That won’t come as a surprise to me.
They have nothing to talk about except stress, diseases, doctors, hospitals and medicines. The only medical thing they don’t care about is mental health. For them, mental health, what is that? They think they are doctors and can treat mental problems themselves. I haven’t seen them possess such degrees, though.
They don’t need to say many things but they do and then veil their harshness with an excuse of ‘caring’ about me. I can say for sure that if only I get to stay alone and will be by myself, all the ailments I possess will be treated automatically. Not because I will be more active and focusing on my health but because I won’t have a constant source of worry all around me.
I have quitted all such places and people which proved to be toxic to me whenever I could but unfortunately, I am unable to leave my toxic family despite many attempts. Even living in a paying guest will do for me for a fresh and healthy start.
They talk like I am deteriorating my health purposely. I am trying the best I can at the moment. My father is the most toxic of all. Nothing I do is enough for him. Sometimes, I think that maybe when I will die, after my death, my ‘family’ will judge that I didn’t die appropriately, that I could have died more perfectly. You never know.
They don’t care what is going on inside me because their work is more important. They are trying to cover up the share of the responsibilities that they should have paid when I was younger. Unfortunately, parenting doesn’t work like that. What I am experiencing is constant toxicity spread by my kin so I prefer to call it toxikiny. I know that no such word exists as of now but who knows? This is so common in families that I think almost every child or family member will be able to identify with it. It is a disease that has spread almost everywhere and is spreading. I think the best and only escape from it is a life away from all because a life without self-love is unhealthy and if I stay with my family, I will never be able to practice self-love fully without being interruption by their fatal toxikiny.