I struggle to understand myself. I feel the extreme of emotions or nothing at all. Sometimes, I think that I know what is happening but suddenly, again, I feel that I have become clueless. Sometimes, I have so much optimism and energy that I feel like lighting up the whole world. At other times, and more often than not, I don’t feel like coming out of bed.
Most of the times, I try to spread empathy and happiness to feel the sense of purpose and inner fulfilment. At other times, I just feel like I need to be left alone with my thoughts. My thoughts scare me at times but I don’t have any choice but to sit with them to analyze my unconscious.
Sometimes, I feel that everything is going at its pace but at some other time, I get a sense that I am lagging behind. At one time, I am zealous towards achieving my goals but at the other, I assume that they are unachievable. Sometimes, I feel that I do not need even a bit of someone else’s validation except mine but at other times, I am unable to validate myself. Sometimes, I cherish all of my emotions and thoughts. At the other times, emptiness and anxiety frighten me.
There is a turbulence of my emotions and thoughts that I am experiencing. I have lost count of the days when I could not experience undisturbed inner peace. I can see that I am, certainly, working on my goals and they are being fruitful. Even if they are not, I know that they will be in the near future. I am constantly evolving and I cherish the journey I am on. Sometimes, I get a sense that I have my life together in some sense but at other times, I can see myself shattered from my past. Most of the times, I am the phoenix but sometimes, I am a glass shattered in pieces.
Most of the times, routine schedules me but sometimes, it feels like a bondage to break free from. I write about it to understand what is going on within me and I think I do. I work on improving the case and feel that I am, indeed, improving but then, there are moments that make me think otherwise.
There is a turbulence within me that wants to be expressed externally as a storm but I think, I have suppressed it so much and for so long that to dig it out from the unconscious now will be a strenuous work to do and I have been emotionally exhausted since long. So, I wish that this turbulence sorts itself out or rest and its ebullitions never reoccur.