I am just tired. Not only physically but emotionally too. And why should I not be? Do you know who I have to fight with everyday that wears me down? No, not me. That tussle helps me grow. That supports me in all sorts and makes me strong and independent. It is my ‘family’ I have to fight with everyday, who lets me down everyday, who kills me bit-by-bit in the inside on a daily basis. I think they would stop practicing such toxicity when my body finally dies because they have been able to almost make my soul half-dead.
I don’t hate them. I love them from the core of my heart. And I think, that is the problem. Despite all this letting down, I still wish them all the good luck and wish to invest my first big income on a house solely made for my parents and a lot of money for my brother to make them happy. But the way they treat me just for the material goals I have never been able to achieve, I question these aims of my life repeatedly. Who am I aiming to so this for? They are the reason behind my existential crisis.
I have never been able to express enough how much I admire and love them but I really do. But, I think, all this love will never be enough for them to accept me as I am and be happy in my happiness without posing a question or a barrier at every level. If anybody else says anything to me, it doesn’t matter as much because they are just strangers and for a moment in my life. Why to take them seriously? But when my own family, who has been with me since my birth and will remain with me till my death doesn’t refrain from toxicity instead of positivity in my life in the name of concern (which I know is fake because they are internally wishing for my burdensome existence to exit from their life forever), then how can I not be tired? Maybe, my death will make them happy forever. For their happiness, then, I wish for my early death.