I am missing my ex right now all of a sudden. Why? I don’t know. This is happening for the third time since we separated and every time this emotion manages to make me anxious and my feelings wheel as if in a whirlwind. Today, I even surfed his name and then, as always, that feeling of the regret of surfing him grew on me.
Moments like these make me think that maybe I have not yet moved on. That is not the case at all but it just feels like that to me. I try hard to not recall the plenty of bitter and sweet memories that we shared but they manage to seep into my unconscious. All those moments when he gaslighted me and dominated his narcissism over my genuine reactions to his treachery get recalled as flashbacks. It makes me feel guilty, not for his blames but for choosing a narcissist as a partner and for being by his side always.
People say that when one moves on, he or she wishes for their ex partners’ happiness but after his treachery and lies despite all that I did for him, I believe I would never wish for his happiness and prosperity ever again in my life. Rather I pray that everyone should become aware of his reality and keep distance from him to remain safe and happy.
I know this feeling is momentary but even in a second, it invokes anxiety all over my mind and body. Somewhere, I am proud of my capacity of giving immense unconditional love but I am also apprehensive and protective of my heart and abstain from dreaming of false expectations and falling into a trap yet again. These are my moments when there starts a tug of war between my contrasting emotions and I try not to tear apart and hold myself together. Defeat is not an option in this tug of war as that would mean destruction—of my growth, happiness and my whole life.