Everyone says I am complicated, undecipherable. My friends stare at me in wonder as I speak a lot many times. Even I am trying to unleash myself completely, and here’s what I have concluded so far.
I love my me time. I don’t want to depend on anyone, not even my parents once I’ll become old enough to earn primarily, in any matter— financial, emotional, mental or any other, if any.
But then, I want to share my care, love, ambitions, success, failure, ups and downs with someone. The one who’ll not judge me like my parents and relatives or who wouldn’t confine me to the boundaries of their ideas about me, laying somewhat norms to adhere to like my friends and social circles do.
The problem is not that I am escaping love. The problem is that now that I have the daring to confront, accept and fight for my feelings, I don’t have the one to pour out my love on. And my feelings don’t allow me to denote them to every other seemingly potential mate I encounter. Also, I am vulnerable at the utmost level. I don’t trust that the ‘seemingly potential mate’ would be able to hold me when I get low in my life. And I am not ready to adjust with such a person. I require their efforts to be requited equally to mine.
Another problem that I possess is perfectionism. I want me and my life and sometimes even other people to practice the highest of morality and skills. And obviously, that leads to a lot of unintentional hurt, frustration, disappointment and exhaustion. I have been trying to kind of rectify it, but I haven’t been able to taste success in it as yet.
Also, I am vulnerable and complicated. And I can’t decode the symbols or signs of love shown to me by others, one of the major reasons for me to believe that someone who would have ever loved me would not have brought it to my knowledge. Another of it is me being blunt due to which people hold back their true feelings from me.
But, to the one I love, I assure a few facts about me. I might be angry on you but won’t leave you unless you misuse or hurt my feelings or indulge into something unethical towards me. And please, when I am angry and I ask you to go away, don’t. Stay, please. Such are the moments I need you the most. I might be on the verge of cracking up while portraying myself as a strong person in front of you, in a vain attempt to hold myself together. I will apologise for the mistakes I would commit against you in my broken state later, when I regain my sanity after a while when the whirlwind of my emotions settle down, but for that moment—stay.
I won’t say I love you. Since nowadays this phrase is thrown at people’s face, not to uphold their own liability but to attract an asset. Some things uphold their beauty lest they are spoken. I’ll rather prove it to you every now and then than preaching it like the verses in the Bible.
I’ll be there beside you, no matter what, provided you should be honest and true to your feelings of love towards me. We might fight, be upset on each other innumerous times, but the small moments of care and affection will always overshadow all of it. We might not talk to each other, but after a while, even to quarrel with you, I’ll come back. And I believe, you would too, if you love me.
If loving you would become troublesome and tiring after a while, I would carry this casket of trouble on my head, keeping it safe from the tides of trouble awaiting us and we will swim and move forward together, cherishing and resolving each of it one by one. You just need to hold my hand with firm grip because if you won’t, the gushing water would carry us with its streaming flow and throw us on the rocks lying on dual divergent directions. And finally, when we’ll swim to the milestone, two heads would be leaning on each other in a peaceful demeanor. Be assured, beloved, I am here not for once….but forever. And my love is directed towards you, not just for now, but for a lifetime.