I am in the midst of a chaos. This state is indescribable. I am escaping but I am also brave enough to face the challenge. Can’t help it, challenges have been thrown at my face by life on a daily basis since my existence happened. So, it’s a part of my habit to face them anyhow, anyway.
But then, I also wish to rest while liking the busyness. I wish to shower my love on the honest and deserving but with a fear of getting vulnerable and ending up with a broken heart yet again. I trust rarely but when I do, that faith is blind. Sometimes, I am happy being alone while other times, I feel the need of a beloved’s shoulder to lean on. I am exhausted enough with life and wish to rest forever but am willing to persist to fulfill my ambitions. I am impulsive but I assure myself with hundred reasons for my choice to be the correct one.
Some days I get hurt and jealous but other days I become indifferent. Some moments, I get overwhelmed with love while other times, a strong hate takes over me. Some days, the music irritates me because it’s too distracting for my thoughts but on other days, it becomes soothing for the same reason. Some days I cry with a pain in my heart while on others I become numb to my own emotions.
I laugh hysterically on not-so-funny jokes to make a fool out of myself while I shut down funny ones through my sarcasm. I am indifferent when my strong self is on duty but over-conscious about my surroundings too when going through an emotional breakdown, and I experience this a lot.
I shout at the people dearest to me when nothing has evidently happened and tackle impossible situations independently, single- handed. I feel guilty for the unintentional wrong I have committed against others but I never forgive myself. Even if the wrong is inflicted by someone else on me, I don’t sympathise or even empathise with myself. I skip deadlines but when my passionate self takes over, I work without a break tirelessly and produce a work of sheer perfection, that too on or even better, before time.
I am confused about my psyche but am clear and calculated about my plans. Sometimes, I am frustrated with myself to end of the world while other times, I love myself to the moon and back. I believe I know myself the best but sometimes………maybe not. I lead a life of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’, but with some sense of certainty. This is the state of chaos I constantly battle through, and that too, all alone, sans anyone, sans anything.
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