I Have to Hate You

For all the lies and disguises you served to me, for sharing my right as a partner with someone who didn’t treat you as a human, for treating me as a toy to please yourself, for me to survive and prevent my damaged heart from shattering into pieces yet again, from breaking my already punchered trust on humanity altogether, for making my heart cry, for me to survive until I achieve all of my life goals, I have to hate you.

 

I am not making hating you a part of my life. But loving you can’t be either. I have realised finally how blindfolded I was with the illusion of how ‘perfect’ of a human being you are. I might love you to my life but I know that if now I’ll have to spend my life with you, by any circumstance, I would never even like you. Leave God (as your name defines you), I don’t even consider you human, so liking you is a far cry. Therefore, even if I don’t wish to, owing to your deeds, the hate would be automatically generated. I am in love with the illusion of you whom you presented to me, the illusion who confessed his love and feelings to me without any barriers and awkwardness, whose voice used to soothe my soul, whose smile was the prettiest makeup on his face, whose face was the most charming of all, whose fragrance was refreshingly magnetic.

You are already dead to me, since what you did to me cannot be done by someone who imbibes humanity within himself, and I don’t associate myself with no ghosts. And I’ll try not to hate a ghost, but remember the lessons I learnt from him. Since I can never forget what I should never do to someone who’ll love me the way I loved you. I need to remember most importantly to never contact or try to re-establish a alliance with you while you would be committed to someone else, just like you do, because that would be unfaithful to my faithful partner.

So, even if my friend says a lot many things against my love towards you, like it was fake, temporary, or something similar, though it won’t be true, yet I have to hate you. I have to remember all your bads and keep myself reminding about them whenever I encounter someone like you— a commitment phobic escapist who is constantly running from truth and his problems rather than standing up and solving them. I have to hate you to prevent emotional tear and insanity. I know a part of me would always yearn for you, but for my protection against further damage and to reinstate my self- confidence affirming that I wasn’t wrong to love with sheer honesty, I have to hate you for your treachery. For my mental peace, I have to hate you.  I love you to the eternity, but I have to hate you. 

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