Spatial Connect

Sometimes, giving space and not interacting all the time is good. It doesn’t necessarily imply that a connection is not strong or good enough or just a fake or hollow connection. I share deep connections with people I don’t talk to everyday, in months and sometimes, even years. Active communication is great but keeping a tab on each other in its absence is just as good. It has worked for me in friendships (only in friendships though).

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Falling Structures

From the place I am seeing it, there is actually nothing called society anymore. Strangely, it is not individualism either. It is just a chaos, a mess waiting for a natural calamity to unleash it and take all the blame for separating and destroying the structure which has already ended but not yet declared to be so. The helper-seeker dynamic is somewhat supporting the idea of societal structure being intact but the rest just indicates chaos. that disguises itself sometimes as structure and at other times, as individualism.

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Depleted

I am drained. Things just don’t turn out be good ever and nobody understands my pain- they just don’t. They are not in my place. I don’t want to blame anyone. I just wish…..someone understood….for once…..that it’s not so easy to just feel good, it’s not justified to keep working when I have no energy but I have to because of the circumstances. I just….I don’t know. It takes so much energy to talk to people I love. They come really close to understanding the issue but just don’t reach there completely ever. It’s like….crying is never enough and it is so tiring that as soon as I let myself feel my low emotions, the negative energies and elements start attacking me. I can’t truly relax……ever.

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Redemption

This time in my life- it’s tough. Growth is super-slow, almost non-evident and non-existing. I have already put it 200 times more effort than was needed and haven’t received even 1% in return. I am putting in 300% now. In case, you are struggling while reading this and have put in more than your potential and all that you could and haven’t been reciprocated at all for all of that, I want to let you know that if you are feeling defeated or frustrated, it’s genuine and obvious to feel so. I don’t expect you to feel victorious or put on a facade of feeling amazing when you are feeling exhausted and clueless- about what more can you do, questioning did you even do enough, waiting while working for a better outcome because you don’t have an option or are on the verge of or have just given up altogether. You are not wrong. What you feel is totally obvious and acceptable (if you wanted to hear this one word). Yes, you have put in enough, in fact, all that you could. If you weren’t reciprocated equally, it’s not your fault at all.

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Mysterious

Who is this man? Why does he appear in my dreams whenever I ask about my ultimate partner (if I will get married at all)? He looks the same as the one who I met the last time in the waking life but both of them are different people even if they look alike because the man in my dreams and visions never lets any woman even roam around his radius and always has his eyes on me- only on me. Their core is different which makes them different.

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Repent

It was yesterday when I was feeling like running away from the life I am living currently and start with a completely fresh page where nobody from the current life scenario will know my whereabouts and today, after all the good moments of 2.5 months (because they don’t last long), my father stooped low to his level and talked to me rudely merely because I was working and told him that I don’t know how to change any channels or whatever the issue with the TV was because I don’t know what to call it. Just because of that, he labeled my behaviour as arrogant which is wrong when I had told him in low tone that I am not the one who can resolve the issue. This bloody man does this on purpose. I know this. He wants that I should feel grateful for the things that he must have provided to me as they are my basic needs as an individual and he had chosen to be the father. Yet another reiteration of one of the reasons why most of the people in my generation doesn’t want to bore children-even if adopted-even if they love children.

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The Veil Of Valour

Years have gone by and are still passing by on setting intentions and working on them including setbacks which make me fall 10 times and good days which lift me by one. It is like the struggle is not ending but fortunately, the major lessons have. This whole journey is ugly. It is tiresome and shadow work is not beautiful, at least, I haven’t experienced it so. There are no rewards and even achieving them is an additional and unnecessary hardwork that I have to put in.

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Who Knew?

I have outlived a lot of my fears or rather, I can say that things have revealed themselves in such a way- such realities have come to the surface- that such emotions have subsided, no, they have ended altogether now. Maybe it’s growth or maybe just life or maybe, it is my self-work- I don’t know. Evaluating this tells me that no one can even estimate close to what will actually happen in their future. They can put in the work and calculate the possibilities but the circumstances that happen are unpredictable, for example, the pandemic the world is living through right now.

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Outlets

I am adding on to my creative outlets,

Turned them one-by-one, all on my own, into businesses.

Taking a moment here to record my struggle

Which I may use against my sabotaging self and snuggle.

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Unbreakable

Am I unbreakable? No (chuckles). I can break and I have shattered into pieces but each time, out of all of these pieces which come under my feet and hurt me—maybe not on the outside but on the inside—for sure and sometimes, for long—as I try to pick the best one amongst all, I create a new art and stand as a new individual.

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Liberté

I am recording this here for me to look back on later, maybe.

In this moment after all the letting go and understanding, I am feeling free.

I don’t feel heavy anymore by my spirit or body.

A new course of events has started and I am letting it flow with ease.

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No One But Me

It is proved yet again that nobody except me deserves my goodness.

I am no one to be taken advantage of, it is pretty simple to comprehend.

The men who hurt me have pushed themselves to their painful ends.

Only I and my besties deserve and have the right over my time to spend.

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Hey, I have republished my ebook and novella independently. It is available in more than one countries and is compatible with Kindle. This edition of the book is new in some senses.

 

Can you spot the difference between the previous copy and the current copy of the novella?

 

Tell me in the comments section below.

Uncultured Republished